(the i heart pasta face)
Wake up. He barfed in his crib.
What???
Barfed. In crib.
How???
Diaper’s leaking diarrhea.
What???
On my arm.
I’ll change him. Oof. I’m okay! Fell from bed.
What color is it?
Is what?
The diarrhea. What color is it? I can’t tell from my arm.
Orange.
Hm. So is the barf.
Maybe it’s the baked yam from lunch?
I don’t see any of his dinner in the barf or the diarrhea.
What did he have for dinner?
Whole wheat pasta wheels in organic tomato sauce!!! Remember???
Oh yeah. No, I don’t see any of that in his poop–only yammy shi—I mean, crap. That’s weird, isn’t it? How could the barf completely bypass dinner and only expose his lunch? How—phew. Must gag…
He doesn’t have a fever.
He’s singing.
Do you think it’s a reaction to the—(gulp) MMR?
No! Absolutely not! No way! Do you?
So I guess we don’t need to call the 24/7 nurse?
Oh, hee, hee—wet go of my nose, silly bunny!
Or take him to the ER.
Unless he does it again pretty quick?
Right. I’ll change his sheet.
I’ll see if he wants some apple juice.
NO! NO! NO!
Why???
Dr. Sears says BRATY: banana, breast milk, rice cereal, APPLESAUCE, not apple juice, toast and yogurt for when baby has barfing and the squirts!
Hmmm? Ho! Hee, hee. Look how cute he is. What does the doggy say? WOOF. WOOF. WOOF.
I’m gonna put him down now.
See you in bed. Oh, hey—what’s your name again?
(Sighhhh.) Mud.
You know, Mud, you’re pretty sexy all diarrhea-splotched. My wittle walking Jackson Pollock, my wittle exploded can of organic pumpkin, my wittle—
(Growl)
Night.
www.pbrippey.com
Other conversations with my husband (zoo perils, Queen Mary escape plan, more poop, etc.): CLICK HERE
PB–who ARE you talking to? Have you seen your psychiatrist lately? No. I thought not. Ah, well. At least you hide it from the child, who seems to believe you’re a big cushy toy with spigots.
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