Faced with the enormity of fixing up a fixer-upper whilst keeping a toddler from, say, sticking forks/fingers/tips of shoelaces, etc., into plateless electrical outlets waiting to be converted from two prongs to three, my mind flashes on the movie Withnail and I.
Specifically: When The Boys are having it rough, cowering in Uncle Montys dark, freezing, English country cottage, believing themselves stalked by a poacher.
But then, suddenly, Uncle Monty arrives with food, light and alcohol. He civilizes the musty cottage in seconds, astounding The Boys.
I like Uncle Montys apron and how he takes charge and forces that cottage to obey him and become warm and cozy.
When scrubbing our fixer-upper bathroom, the annoyingly tiny bathroom with the ridiculous window fitted with louvers, when tackling bathtub grout grimy as street urchins from Oliver Twist, when attempting to clean, then batten down shower doors that swing, I do my best to channel Uncle Monty.
Dont be cowardly! (I scold the Withnail and I in me as I cower before the sink’s cabinet into which Im sure I saw a tiny darkdarkdark shadow glide) Tug on those rubber gloves, get on your bleedin’ knees and show that bloody thing whos bloody boss! Bloody hell! Are you a mother, or a bloody mouse! Or, rather, a bloody English newt!
Who are you talking to? My husband asks, passing the open bathroom door.
This is my house. And I will teach this bathroom a lesson in civility, in decorum. It will listen! Because I am Uncle Monty. Without all the weight. Andhomosexuality. And I dont like sherry. Although I had a lot of sherry in Andover, once. It was a Christmastime. I was helping make authentic British sausage rolls and trifle. The kitchen was cozy, smelled delicious and run by a tiny British mum who could have kicked Uncle Montys enormous ass in the Capability Department. She wouldn’t have allowed moldy grout in her loo, or things slinking into dark places there.
I should have finished out my Christmas holiday at that mums house, with my good friend, P. P and Mum encouraged me to stay. Instead, I slunk off with a lying, cheating mime to Cornwall and ate bitter Christmas fish in a drafty B&B. We fought about nothing on a moonlit cliff with a view of Tintagel’s sad ruins, surf bashing Cornish rocks far below us, too many unknowns going bump in the ghastly Cornish night
Ah, little mum. Uncle Monty! Ive come a loooooooong way. But Im still learning.
Hence this: And now, please excuse me while I fetch my chipper husband, who is better than I am when it comes to exposing things that lurk in the darkpoachers, garden spiders, evil newts and ones occasionally grouty past.
But make no mistake! I shall bloody return and finish the bloody bathroom job. Because I’ve bloody grown. Bloody hell.
Sweet dreams! And have a bloody good tomorrow.
Wow, PB–you had a tempestuous relationship with a MIME? Oh, right. 2 mimes, wasn’t it? Did they do stuff like mime taking out the trash and washing the dishes instead of really doing those chores? Did they wear their unitards to bed? Wait a minute, don’t answer that…
[…]below youll find the link to some sites that we think you should visit[…] …
[…]here are some links to sites that we link to because we think they are worth visiting[…] …
[…]below youll find the link to some sites that we think you should visit[…] …
[…]here are some links to sites that we link to because we think they are worth visiting[…] …
[…]although websites we backlink to below are considerably not related to ours, we feel they are actually worth a go through, so have a look[…] …
[…]Here is a Great Blog You Might Find Interesting that we Encourage You[…] …
Websites worth visiting…
[…]here are some links to sites that we link to because we think they are worth visiting[…] …
Great website…
[…]we like to honor many other internet sites on the web, even if they arent linked to us, by linking to them. Under are some webpages worth checking out[…] …
Websites you should visit…
[…]below youll find the link to some sites that we think you should visit[…] …
Recommeneded Homepage…
[…]Here are a number of the sites we suggest for our visitors[…] …
Thumb ups aint enough for you…
[…]Big thumbs up for yourself, my dear friend[…]……