RAQ
RARELY ASKED QUESTIONS
Do you believe in God?
Not the Man-God frowning on his cloud, thunderbolts bobby pins in his tumbling white hair. Not the goddess lithe in floaty tresses appealingly illuminated. More like a fat, girthy, shimmering Milky Way type of G-being, energy apparent, to whom I’m humbly grateful every single day.
What vitamins do you take?
Trader Joe’s Women’s Formula. C’s and calcium. What do you take?
Why did you kick that Lisa chick in the butt in junior high school?
Oh. Well. I will always be sorry about that. She told me I was going to get wrinkles in my face from laughing all the time. I laughed a lot in grade school. Anyway, I stopped laughing and saw red. And kicked her in the butt.
Did you really take Smart Drugs for a TV show? Let me be very clear on this: did you take an IQ test, take the Smart Drugs, retake the IQ test, then go on the air, on some ridiculous daytime talk show to tell America all about swallowing a powdery substance about which you had no idea of the ingredients?
Yes—-but nothing happened. On the air. Or off. The…air…
What is your earliest childhood memory?
Sitting on the wall of a fountain at the Los Angeles Arboretum and having my picture taken. I wore a short red dress. My hair was pulled to the side by a barrette. I kicked my favorite summer sandals against the wall. I was two. Shortly after the photo was taken, I was bitten by a peacock.
What do you think of when you eat Chicken Chow Fun?
That Brooke’s Brothers white shirt Oprah’s flunkies declare all women must have in their closets, George Clooney’s love life, locking the front door, the Pacific ocean, that darn Clementi sonatina, showering, Charlotte, Portia’s ‘Quality Of Mercy’ soliloquy, my novel(s), why LOST is still not on the air, the Clintons, why the cat litter reeks when it was literally just changed, Blue Tooth and why I don’t have it, Dadda’s return, vegan chocolate chip cookies, sleep…
What are you reading?
O Pioneers!, by Willa Cather (of course).
And before that?
Valley Of The Dolls. Of course.
Oh.
What?
I just thought maybe War and Peace, or The New Yorker, or–
Next RAQ, please.
Do you believe in UFO’s?
Sigh…
